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12/2/2007 My GirlsIn my class and when I go for healings, my
healer and teachers talk about the inner child. A few years ago in pop
psychology, it was popular to talk about the inner child and letting
him/her out to play. There is truth to that, adults do not play
enough. Even when they play they mean business or they have to have
expensive equipment, etc. They don't play as a child does. A child
can make play from anything. But, that's not what I want to address. What I have learned in classes, etc. is that whenever we are feeling pain, anxiety, anger, and especially fear, it is stemming from something that happened to us as a child. (Yes, it's true about joy and happiness also but most of us don't have a problem with experiencing those emotions.) The analogy is that we have many children inside of us. They are ourselves at the many different ages and stages of our life. If I am having an anxiety attack or fearful about something that my logical mind knows is really something small and easily fixable, the emotion is stemming from something that happened when I was a child or teen. It's that child that is having the anxiety. When I am able to figure out "which" child it is and why they felt that way, the anxiety lessens and goes away. We all have many fears, whether we acknowledge them or not, and I have been working at lessening the impact of those fears for a long time. Right now, at this time in my life, my biggest fear is financial. That's a tough one because it also represents the fear of not having enough, not enough money, health, happiness, time, love. It also represents not being enough. I am not enough. Talk about tough! I have worked so hard all my life to "be enough", be enough for my mother, be enough for my former husband, be enough for my children, be enough for my friends, be enough for myself. I feel I was the most successful at being enough for my children. I'm very proud of that. And there were some times I was able to be enough for the rest of those listed, except, for myself. I have never been able to be enough for myself. (I am again, sidetracked but that was a good aha moment for me. Thanks for listening.) During this work with my inner children and our fears, my healer said to have conversations with them, write to them and let "them" write back, and various other ways to work out the fears. I still find it difficult to do that but one day last summer I sat down by the river and wrote to them, to let them know we are in this together and that even though, many times in the past, there was no one to help them or comfort them, I am here now and will take care of them. Here is that letter: ************************ Hello My Girls, It's time I spoke with each of you. I've been neglecting you and I'm very sorry. I know that you hurt, I'm sorry and I love all of you very much. My beautiful little baby - my Spirit Star. You are so perfect. Look at you! All your toes and fingers, beautiful eyes, perfect baby body. You are straight from God and still so connected to Spirit, I can see it in your eyes. I can see your own spirit and a whole world of potential. You can do and be anything! I'm so sorry you weren't held and cuddled enough but I'm here now and will hold you and nurture you so you can feel safe. I love you so much . You are my baby and you will never feel alone or scared ever again. "All" of us are here for you and I am here and very present for all of you. And there's my toddler, aren't you something! My Sparkling Star and her beautiful twinkling smile. Walking and talking! Wanting to explore everywhere and everything. Still so new and still connected. Though there are times when you were made to forget your adventurous spirit. You were told "no" too many times and most times there wasn't even a reason for the "no". Your mother seemed to think you needed to be controlled. You are beginning to learn that, just as your "sisters" also realized it. I'm sorry you had to learn that. It was so good that your older siblings would help watch over you so that you held onto some of that adventurous spirit. I am now the one watching over you. We will now explore and learn together. I know you hurt. I love you. You were not a bad girl for doing the things you did. Everyone messes their pants as a child, makes messes around the house, spills milk, makes mistakes. Those things don't make a person BAD. Those were just mistakes. They happen so we can learn from them but we don't deserve to be spanked and verbally abused. You and I and all the "girls" will be making mistakes and we will learn from them, fix them if possible, shrug our shoulders, let them go, and move onto the next adventure. I will hold you and love you and be here for your forever. To my younger school girl, my shy-smiling, Elfin-spirit Star. You just love school. You love being away from home and with people that can see you. You still have that twinkle but you have learned that it's not always safe to let it out, so you keep it hidden much of the time. You have become afraid of doing the wrong thing, afraid of making a mistake. You try so hard to do and say the right things and are mortified to be laughed at when you do make mistakes. It hurts, I know. I am learning that it's okay to make mistakes, just as I told your "sister". Everyone does it. If no one ever made a mistake, no one would ever learn. Making mistakes provides us with the best lessons. I have learned that again myself just recently. Remember, we are all in this together and I will be taking care of you, holding you to my heart, loving you. We no longer need to be afraid of making mistakes! You are perfect as you are. We are perfect as we are. To my older school girl, Starlight. You are still so full of spirit but you don't let it show. You have learned to hide your light and that's such a shame. But, it was also very smart of you because it was a way to protect yourself. You can show it as much as you'd like now! You don't have to hide any longer. I accept and love you just the way you are right now. You are perfect. You are smart. You've learned to protect yourself. You have learned to use your imagination. You watch and learn from good and bad examples. You are learning how to be a good, loving, nurturing mother. Thank you for that. My sons have grown up to be such wonderful young men and much of it has been because of what you learned during these years. You are so much more than you think you are. I know that and eventually you will also. I am here for you, to nurture and hold you close. We will learn from each other. Starstuff, my teenager! You are beginning to re-learn that you have a lot of good qualities, though you don't recognize it except when you see it reflected through other people's eyes. You feel as if you are not worthy or worthwhile unless you had a best friend or boyfriend, who could truly see who you are. I know this because I still tend to feel this way. But!! Even though it's taking awhile I've learned I'm a good and worthwhile person and I try my hardest to remember that I don't need others to verify it. I am here to listen to you, love you, accept you, hold you. You learned so much through these years. I know it hurts that your mother doesn't seem to appreciate the person you are but that is her issue, not yours! We're going through this together, I see you, and I know you are wonderful! You are so smart and protected yourself, you held to your intuitions and gut instincts. You didn't rush to have sex but waited until you were older and it was the right time. You didn't drink before you were of legal age, you didn't smoke anything or take drugs. You got pretty good grades even though no one taught you how to study. Your siblings were too busy with their own family at this time and didn't have time to lead you through life. You learned and did all this on your own! You should be very proud. I know I am very proud of you. I love you and will always be here for you. We're in this together, girls, and always will be. We've done great so far and will do even better. We WILL reach our dreams. We ARE reaching our dreams and for the stars. We all deserve the very best of everything and it's on its way. I love you! Me ********************** I realize that I truly needed to put this here and hear it again at this moment. Thank you for listening. Wishing you Love, Light, and Laughter! From: Starstuff, Starlight, Elfin-spirit Star, Sparkling Star, and Spirit Star. 11/28/2007 Our Castle I am currently in my third and last year of classes for Transformational Energy Healing. This year, along with learning a few more types of energy healing, we are learning about archetypes. Carl Jung was instrumental in the theory of archetypes and how we use various ones at various times to live our lives. Carolyn Myss took the theory a step further and identified many more archetypes and their light and dark aspects. This is talked about in her book, "Sacred Contracts". Not an easy read but very informative. It is our main text for this year. There are a few other books we are reading this year. The one I am currently reading is by Debbie Ford called, "The Dark Side of the Light Chasers." Energy workers and other holistic-type healers are also called lightworkers. I think that comes from the fact that we are trying to bring light, lightness and enlightenment to ourselves and other. So, when I first saw the title of the book, I was thinking dark as in the dark arts/evil and such. Of course the book is not about that. It's learning to acknowledge that if we are all from God and all connected, (We are all star stuff.) then we also possess ALL the characteristics that everyone has. We are willing to see all the good qualities of ourselves and it's easy to judge and see the faults of everyone else. But, we also need to acknowledge that we also have those faults. That is why we can see them so well! The whole world is within each of us. The following is from the book. I am putting it here not only to share it but so I can easily find and read it whenever I need. ******* In Love and Awakening, John Welwood uses the analogy of a castle to illustrate the world within us. Imagine being a magnificent castle with long hallways and thousands of rooms. Every room in the castle is perfect and possesses a special gift. Each room represents a different aspect of yourself and is an integral part of the entire perfect castle. As a child, you explored every inch of your castle without shame or judgment. Fearlessly you searched every room for its jewels and its mystery. Lovingly you embraced every room whether it was a closet, a bedroom, bathroom, or a cellar. Each and every room was unique. Your castle was full of light, love, and wonder. Then one day, someone came to your castle and told you that one of your rooms was imperfect, that surely it didn’t belong in your castle. They suggested that if you wanted to have a perfect castle you should close and lock the door to this room. Since you wanted love and acceptance, you quickly closed off that room. As time went by, more and more people came to your castle. They all gave you their opinions of the rooms, which ones they liked and which ones they didn’t. And slowly you shut one door after another. Your marvelous rooms were being closed off, taken out of the light, and put into the dark. A cycle had begun. From that time on, you closed more and more doors for all kinds of reasons. You closed doors because you were afraid, or you thought the rooms were too bold. You closed doors to rooms that were too conservative. You closed doors because other castles you saw did not have a room like yours. You closed doors because your religious leaders told you to stay away from certain rooms. You closed any door that did not fit into society’s standards. The days were gone when your castle seemed endless and your future seemed exciting and bright. You no longer cared for every room with the same love and admiration. Rooms you were once proud of, you now willed to disappear. You tried to figure out ways to get rid of these rooms, but they were part of the structure of your castle. Now that you had shut the door to whatever room you didn’t like, time went by until one day you just forgot that room altogether. At first, you didn’t realize what you were doing. It just became a habit. With everyone giving you different messages about what a magnificent castle should look like, it became much easier to listen to them than to trust your inner voice; the one that loved your entire castle. Shutting off those rooms actually started to make you feel safe. Soon you found yourself living in just a few small rooms. You had learned how to shut off life and became comfortable doing it. Many of us also locked away so many rooms that we forgot we were ever a castle. We began to believe we were just a small, two bedroom house in need of repairs. Now, imagine your castle as the place where you house all of who you are, the good and bad, and that every aspect that exists on the planet exist within you. One of your rooms is love, one is courage, one is elegance and another is grace. There are endless numbers of rooms. Creativity, femininity, honesty, integrity, health, assertiveness, sexiness, power, timidity, hatred, greed, frigidity, laziness, arrogance, sickness, and evil are rooms in your castle. Each room is an essential part of the structure and each room has an opposite somewhere in your castle. Fortunately, we are never truly satisfied with being less than what we are capable of being. Our discontent with ourselves motivates us in our search for all the lost rooms of our castle. We can only find the key to our uniqueness by opening all the rooms in our castle. The castle is a metaphor to help you grasp the enormity of who you are. We each possess this sacred place inside ourselves. It is easily accessed if we are ready and wiling to see the totality of who we are. Most of us are scared of what we will find behind the doors to these rooms. So instead of setting out on an adventure to find our hidden selves, full of excitement and wonder, we keep pretending the rooms don’t exist. The cycle continues. But, if you truly desire to change the direction of your life you must go into your castle and slowly open each and every door. You much explore your internal universe and take back all that you’ve disowned. Only in the presence of your entire self can you appreciate your magnificence and enjoy the totality and uniqueness of your life. ********** I spent so much of the first part of my life closing and locking those doors. I have also spent many of my adults years discovering and opening doors and I find that I still have many more to unlock. But, at least I am now unlocking them and I am slowly getting light into more parts of my castle. And that is so much better than where I was before I began this journey. Love, light, and laugher! Starstuff
8/10/2007 Message From An AngelWay
back in January 2007, during one of the classes for Transformational
Energy Healing, each of the students had to do a healing on another
student while all the other classmates and the teachers watched. We
had already done many healings over the course of the past year and a
half but never while everyone watched. I was not worried, but each of
us always wonders if the person we are working on will feel anything
and we were each a little apprehensive about being "on the spot'. We chose who we wanted to work with and what music we wanted to use. We use music as a way for us to focus and it also helps calm people. I tend to choose music with a Native American feel to it. Each of our classmates took notes on their impression of the healing and gave the notes to the healer to reflect on. One of the teachers was writing during the healing and after we each had our turn, she read the messages to us. It was a very powerful and empowering moment and such an affirmation that I was on the right path. There are times when I get so wrapped up in day to day events and making ends meet that I forget who I am and what I can do. I have been going through many of those times lately and have been feeling very, very scared. So, I reread the message and remember that I am fine and everything is okay and going the way it needs to go. My message: You have been given immeasurable strength to use with limitless Love With care and gentleness you have been formed Your grace and your beauty touch the world with radiant Love With quiet certainty and serenity of spirit you call others to you With wicked wit and mischievous humor you set them at ease They come to you not knowing what they need or want but with a deep longing in their heart By your presence you calm their weary souls and with the Father's guidance you fill their hearts Be glad in this, rejoice in your center Know that you are from and of Truth and loved so deeply by the great I AM It is in you that Spirit becomes alive on earth in Joy Joy and Laughter, Starstuff 6/22/2007 Our Deepest FearOur deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. by Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love 1/31/2007 Transformational Energy Healing, Year TwoSome of my
blogger friends have been asking me to share what has been happening with the
Transformational Energy Healing classes that I'm taking. I'm in my second
year and will be able to get my holistic health practitioner certificate this
coming summer. I have not been
writing and hopefully this will sort of explain why. There have
been so many changes in my life and in myself since last summer. Late
last spring, I had been thinking ALOT about the possibility of quitting my job
and living off my savings for awhile. I
really needed to get away from the overwhelming stress. After working all day at a job that was
sucking everything out of me I would come home and not have any energy left to
take care of my house or myself. The
best way I can explain it is that each day I felt absolutely pecked to death
only to come home and sleep in order to get pecked to death the following
day. But, I was
not brave enough, I was too afraid to actually make the step to resign.
There were too many "voices" in my head (my mother, sibs, ex., etc.)
saying things like "Are you crazy? How can you do that? What
about this, what about that, what would people think?” My inner voice was agreeing with them and so
did not make the move. Anyway,
the decision was made for me. The first
month was good. It had been so long
since I’ve had more than a week off at a time.
The next month was scary. My mind
was racing. “Oh My God! What am I going to do??? I’m not being productive with my time! I should be looking for a job!” But when I calmed down and really thought
about looking for a job, I just knew it wasn’t the right time and that I will
be okay. In fact, one time that I was
panicking, I looked online for a job.
There wasn’t any I could or wanted to do but the next day a “perfect”
job was listed in the local paper. So, I
felt the message was when I’m ready, a job will be there. The first
two sets of classes last fall and the scads of reading I’ve been doing have led
to an amazing about of introspection and “rewiring” of my mind, thoughts, and
my body. I feel so much more at peace
and more comfortable with myself. I am
coming into myself and my “power”. The
classes last fall and what I learned from them could not be put into words. It was all such inner work, more a feeling of
understanding rather than a logical understanding. It seems to me to be based on faith and
spirit. Thus, I just could not share
what I did and learned in those classes.
I can’t even begin to articulate what all this has done for me. I can
share that we’ve been learning more types of healings one of which deals with
past lives. Most of the work being done
this year is a case study. We each have
chosen one person to be our case study.
We have to put into practice all that we’ve been learning in the past
year and a half and treat our case study as if she were a client. My neighbor volunteered, in fact she jumped
at the chance. We are to
do 12 healings over a period of a few months.
We begin by taking chakra readings.
Chakras are the energy centers of our bodies. The way the energy is flowing can be seen by
using a pendulum held over each chakra.
It can show if the energy centers are balanced or if they are shut or
flowing in a negative direction.
Healings help to open the energy and to help them flow in a positive
direction. We have to
make a preliminary assessment of the client:
What are their primary and secondary defenses? What physical and emotional issues were
presented by the client? What is their core wound? We then
create a treatment plan: What does our
client need to receive from us? How will
it be provided? We have to
document each session: What type of
healing did we use and why? What
images/impressions did we receive during the healing? What was your client’s experience? What did we learn about the client and about
ourselves? At the end
of the 12 sessions we are to review our findings: We will take another set of chakra readings,
compare it with original set. Analyze
the changes. Has the initial assessment
of the client changed? Discuss the
assessment and any changes in detail, including information on primary and
secondary defenses, core issue and physical condition. We will also have to discuss any issues and
feelings that come up for us while working on our client. At our
last weekend of classes, we each have to get up in front of everyone and present the case study to
the class and answer any questions our classmates and teachers may have. I’ve done five
healings so far. I have been amazed how
everything is coming together. The
findings from the chakra readings fit right in with what I decided about the
defenses, and the emotions and physical ailments presented by my client. It’s all so integrated, it’s fascinating. It’s also so involved and convoluted. I’ve been taking pages and pages of notes but
have yet to figure out how to put it all together coherently in a
presentation. It’s as if I’m psychoanalyzing my
friend/neighbor which is definitely a little strange. I also am not sure how much to tell her about
my findings. After talking with my
teacher, I finally decided that I would tell my friend only the basics of what
I’m discovering but mostly just answer her questions. I’m beginning to really feel that I CAN do this! Yay!!! Love, Light, and Laughter to All, Starstuff 11/9/2006 Near Death ExperienceOne of my classmates sent me a link to a fascinating account of a "near death" experience. In Mellen-Thomas Benedict's account, he was actually dead for at least 30 minutes. Most of us have heard many stories of NDE (which is shorthand). Most of those stories are about being on the operating table, heart stops, they see a light and hear "it's not your time yet." and they come back alive or their hearts are shocked back to beating.
This man's story is extraordinary. It also encompases so much of what I have been learning in my classes and especially in books I've been reading and have wanted to share but not able to put into words so it makes sense to others. Please take the time to read it. Click here: Mellen-Thomas Benedict It is fairly long so you may want to print it out for a leisurely reading at a later time.
Enjoy and have faith that we are all on the right track!!
Love, Light, and Laughter,
 stuff9/22/2006 Louise Hay - AuthorLouise Hay is a writer of what many people term as self-help books. I prefer to call them "becoming conscious" books. I have started a new List. It will include books I have read for enjoyment and those that have helped me along in my journey. Her's is the first book I've added.
I want to share with you a page from her book.
***********
Some Points of My Philosophy
You are each responsible for all of your experiences.
Every thought we think is creating our future.
The point of power is always in the present moment.
Everyone suffers from self-hatred and guilt.
The bottom line for everyone is, "I'm not good enough."
It's only a thought, and a thought can be changed.
Resentment, criticism, and guilt are the most damaging patterns.
Releasing resentment will dissolve even cancer.
When we really love ourselves, everything in our life works.
We must release the past and forgive everyone.
We must be willing to begin to learn to love ourselves.
Self-approval and self-acceptance in the now are the keys to positive changes.
We create every so-called "illness" in our body.
********************
Her book goes on to explain all of those statements.
Now, I know a lot of people will have trouble with some of those, especially the last one. I did, and still do. But, in reading the book many times, I have come to believe it.
With major illnesses, such as cancer and the dystrophies, etc. I don't have the words to explain her last statement. It would take someone much farther along in their journey than I am.
But, I will explain with a more minor example. A member of my extended family (I'll call her Jane) was diagnosed with scoliosis when she was 12 or so. She wore the brace for a year or two but has continued to have back problems all her life. She is now 24. All of her life, also, she has taken care of her mother and two younger siblings. Her mother had Jane when she was very young and has never acted as a mother. When Jane was barely older than a toddler herself, she was changing diapers, feeding and cleaning up after her siblings. She has always been their mother, even to her own mother. She took on a very heavy role and has the weight of her whole family on her shoulders. Is it any wonder she had and has back problems? She came to realize that herself and said it to me the last time she visited. She has just begun her journey.
Now, I don't expect everyone to believe this, or to make instant "converts". It has taken me over 10 years to get to this point. Also, my healer has said that it's easier to prevent an illness than cure one, such as cancer and of course that is true. So, if we change our way of thinking about ourselves now, we may prevent future minor and serious illnesses. Thus, the book is invaluable to me.
As always, take what works for you and leave the rest!!
Love, Light, and Laughter,
 stuff9/20/2006 Things I've Learned LatelyThe following are things I've learned or been reminded of lately by friends, my teacher/healers, and two books, "The Four Agreements" and "Inspiration":
1. "Everyone is a mirror for us. We can see ourselves in everyone." If there is an aspect of someone else that you don't like, whether it be looks, the way they dress, drive, act, whatever, it's a reflection of that quality in ourselves that we are reacting to. Sometimes it may take some deep thought to figure out the part of ourselves that is being mirrored by that person but it can always be found. This helps me to learn acceptance. How can I dislike someone who has the same quality as me? It also tells me that I have to work on whatever that issue is.
2. I am here to learn the lessons that my own spirit/soul chose for this lifetime. It's important to remember that everyone is here to do the same. You are working on your lessons, they on their's and me on mine. Sometimes these lessons overlap with the lessons of others. That is important for me to remember.
3. Everyone is beautiful, in their own way. Oops, didn't mean to break out in song. But it's true. If I believe that I am a piece of Spirit/Universal Energy/God and that we are all interconnected and pieces of the same Spirit, then how can anyone NOT be beautiful. We are pieces of the stars and Spirit, that can't be ugly. Unfortunately, our perception of beauty comes from what others have told us it should be. And that varies so much from person to person.
4. Judgement. (Duh, duh, duuuuh - ominous music playing in the background.) It's been very difficult and continues to be a lesson for me to learn not to be judgemental. It's what I grew up with, listening to adults judging me and others. I learned to not be judgemental regarding my children, I am very accepting of them and their dreams and goals, but have continued to judge everyone else and especially myself. This characteristic of mine has been made more clear to me and I'm working on becoming non-judgemental. First, I learned that other people's judgement of me is coming from their own issues and has nothing to do with me or what I did or said. That's a hard one to learn and remember. We always take things so personally. Now, I am learning to recognize that when I judge other people, I'm actually judging myself. I have to learn to be okay with myself then hopefully I won't judge others. When I catch myself judging someone, I try to recognize it, stop and say to myself, "acceptance - in spirit" and remind myself that they are here learning their lessons also. I also have to learn to recognize those times that I am being very judgemental towards myself!
5. Judgement, guilt, and justice: "True justice is paying only once for each mistake. True INjustice is paying more than once for each mistake... We make a mistake, we judge ourselves, we find ourselves guilty, we punish ourselves." That should be enough but we all tend to judge ourselves and feel guilty for the same thing over and over and over. We have to learn to stop beating ourselves up and let it go even if others keep reminding us of that mistake. Whew, another hard one!
6. Risk: "To be ALIVE is the biggest fear humans have. Death is not the biggest fear we have, our biggest fear is taking the risk to be ALIVE - the risk to be alive and express who we really are. Just being ourselves is the biggest fear in humans. We have learned to live our life trying to satisfy other people's demands. We have learned to do this because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else."
By doing this, we end up not being good enough for ourselves because we are not being our true selves. I am slowly learning how to be myself and be at peace with that and ignoring what others think of me. Though right now, I do still need recognition and confirmation. I want to learn to be able to not need that!!
I have to admit that there are times I almost wish to go back to not being "conscious". It just seems like life would be easier. It may be easier but I know it wouldn't be as good.
Love, Light, and Laughter!
stuff9/14/2006 Wise WordsI've been doing a lot of different types of reading for my class and for my own development and learning. This was a quote from Marcus Aurelius who was one of the Caesar's many hundreds of years ago. I have paraphrased it to make it a bit easier to read:
"When you are troubled about anything, you have forgotten:
- a man's wrongful act is nothing to do with you.
- everything which happens, always happened so, and will happen so, and now happens so, everywhere
- how close is the kinship between a man and the whole human race, for it is a community, not of little blood or seed, but of intelligence.
- every man's intelligence is a god and is an efflux of the diety
- nothing is a man's own, but that his child and his body and his very soul came from the deity
- everything is opinion
- every man lives the present time only and loses only this.
What this all boils down to is that everyone, EVERYONE is a piece of God/Spirit/Universal Energy. We need to remember to be in the NOW and not worry about the past or the future. If you are okay now, right this moment, then everything is fine. If someone is mean or abusive to you in some way, it has nothing to do with you, it is their issue.
This past year, I have learned that sometimes it takes just the right words to finally have an ah-ha moment. I can listen to and/or read things from many people with all the same message but my understanding of that message depends on HOW they say it. So, forgive me if I do write about similar things at different times. Take what you want, and leave the rest.
Love, Light and Laughter,
 stuff7/20/2006 Rules for Being HumanAt one of my first Transformational Energy Healing classes, a former student shared the following with us:
Rules for Being Human
1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called Life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works".
4. A lesson will be repeated until it is learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of Life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better than "here". When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here".
7. Others are simply mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you make of them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you have to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.
pah-dum bum...
4/23/2006 A Time of RebirthA Time of Rebirth
Easter day this year – I had the choice of either feeling sorry for myself because my sons and sibs live so far away or use the day for reflection and renewal. I chose the latter though a little of the former would creep in occasionally throughout the day.
I decided that I needed some sun and salt air so headed for a Rhode Island Beach about 2 hours from here. The Connecticut beaches are a little closer but the smells, sights, and sounds are not quite the same because it is the Long Island Sound, not the ocean proper. The Connecticut beaches remind me more of Lake Ontario. Anyway…
It was a gorgeous spring day though a little cool. But, with a light jacket on it was comfortable to do a little beach combing and sitting in the sun. (I did get a slight burn on my face.) It was not crowded, just a few people here and there, so it was very pleasant being about to listen to the water and the birds rather than others’ conversations and music. So, after the obligatory walk looking for flotsam and jetsam, I sat in my beach chair to think about my future and something I had learned from a book that morning.
I had recently bought a book by Jamie Sams and David Carson called “Medicine Cards” with a deck of cards with animal drawings on them. This book and cards are based on Native American beliefs. These are what is called oracle cards. They are not any type of new-age voodoo or psychic prediction thingies. They are more like messages. It’s similar to those people who randomly open a bible and choose a verse and using that verse for a teaching or lesson for the day.
For a bit of an explanation, I will quote from the book. “To understand the concept of medicine in the Native American way, one must redefine “medicine.” The medicine referred to in this book is anything that improves one’s connection to the Great Mystery and to all life. This would include the healing of body, mind, and of spirit. This medicine is also anything that brings personal power, strength, and understanding. Native American medicine is an all-encompassing way of life for it involves walking on the Earth Mother in perfect harmony with the Universe.
Our fellow creatures, the animals, exhibit patterns that will relay these messages of healing to anyone astute enough to observe their lessons on how to live. … Each animal in creation has hundreds of lessons to impart…”
I have always been drawn to Native American beliefs and a connection to animals so I thought these cards and book would be interesting and maybe a bit insightful.
So, before I left home this day, I “prayed” to choose a card (there are about 50 of them) that would impart what I needed to reflect on. I ended up with a bat. A BAT!!! Yikes! Those very creepy, flying rats! I REALLY wanted to choose a different card but that’s not how it’s supposed to work. I resigned myself to it and when I got to the beach I looked up what the bat was supposed to mean and what it could teach me. And, of course, it was exactly what I needed to hear that day. Here is part of the message from the book:
“ Bat – Rebirth
… in Central American tribes, a bat is the symbol of rebirth. The bat hanging upside-down, is a symbol for learning to transpose your former self into a newborn being. This is also the position that babies assume when they enter the world from the womb of a woman.
If bat has appeared in your cards today, it symbolizes the need for a “ritualistic death” of some way of life that no longer suits your new growth pattern. This can mean a time of letting go of old habits and of assuming the position in life that prepares you for rebirth… Bat signals rebirth of some part of yourself or the death of old patterns. If you resist your destiny, it can be a long, drawn out, or painful “death”. The universe is always asking you to grow and become your future.
(If you continue to choose the bat card, it may show that you have) a stagnation of the spirit and a refusal to acknowledge your true destiny – which is always to use the talents you have to the fullest. Is there some area of your life that has dammed up and therefore stopped your desire to create? If so, look at surrendering to the death of that stagnation.
… Some people think themselves into a corner with obstacles that are illusionary. By the time they decide what to do, the opportunities are gone and old age is upon them. All of their dreams have passed them by. Use your mind, courage, and strength to insure an easy labor and quick delivery into your new state of understanding and growth. Surrender to the new life you have created from thought and desire, and bravely greet the dawn.”
I have been stagnant way too long. This past year has been the beginning of my rebirth. I found synchronicity in the fact that I chose the animal symbol of rebirth on Easter, the day of Christ’s rebirth. (Everything and everyone is interconnected and there is no such thing as coincidence!) I have found that I’ve currently been dragged along the path I need to take. I have to stop dragging my feet and rejoice that I am now ON my path to my rebirth, my new purpose in life, my path of enlightenment. Through my Transformational Energy Healing Classes, I am working at becoming an holistic healer so I can help other people that have been or are in pain. I feel I have found my new purpose but I still have some roadblocks that need to be faced and let “die”.
My next two years of classes will assist me in doing that and then I can complete my rebirth and my new life. Namaste.
Love, Light and Laughter
4/5/2006 Pain Is PainOne of the discussions during my Healing Class included deserve-ability, guilt and pain. Many of us, because our current and/or past problems and pains may seem petty compared to other's, end up feeling guilty. "I shouldn't complain, they've had it so much worse." "I have enough to eat and a roof over my head, I shouldn't be asking for more." But yet, many of us are unhappy, in emotional turmoil, searching for purpose and happiness.
Do we deserve more than what we already have? Yes! Yes, we do. Everyone does. Whether it's more love, friends, happiness, money, etc., we all deserve to have everything we want. And we should be allowed our own pain.
The way one of the teachers explained it, "Pain is pain. You can't compare your pain to someone else's". She told the story of how when she was in labor with her first child, she thought it was the most excruciating pain there ever was. A few days later, with labor still fresh in her mind, she got a horrible toothache. At that moment, that was the worst pain. The pain you are in at any given moment IS the worst, no matter the reason.
Pain is pain.
We are all entitled to our pain, whether it be physical or emotional, to own it and deal with it. No one should trivialize anyone else's pain or say, "Well, things could be worse." That belittles and demeans what the person is feeling and does not help them deal with the pain they are going through at that moment. Sometimes, we have to feel the pain to learn from it. Sometimes, we have to wallow in our pain and grief for awhile in order to get past it.
Pain is pain.
And it's there to help us grow.
3/31/2006 Class This Weekend!Well, we have begun another weekend of introspection and healing. I don't have anything to say about it right now but I asked for permission from one of the other students to share what she wrote about us and our first weekend of class back in September. She can put into words what many of us in the class have been feeling.
My Inspiration
The face changes as the years go by, but the heart of the child remains. Until one day you are awakened... from your dreams of illusion... the illusion that the child has grown, and is now this big person who can take on the world.
The world of windmills and dragons, of spiders and snakes, of good and evil.
Then one day with a good lesson, you awaken to find your dreams, your hopes, your fears fade, you let down your barriers and you find love. You find yourself vulnerable and open.
OH! How scary is that?
Because your heart is open, you can speak and be heard. You can cry without shame. You can be angry without fear of repercussion. You don't feel guilt for being happy. It's suddenly OK!
It's okay to be that silly self inside of you. That child that did umbrella summersaults. That child who wanted to be accepted. That child that was picked last... OH! Here it comes again, those pains that you held so quietly in, so no one would know. Those secret hurts that you didn't allow to show. How deep they bite at our souls.
Then one day, two Earth Angels come to you and bare your deepest, darkest secrets, in the safest most loving place, their hearts. They envelope you with love and the love grows in you and in everyone around you, and the heart opens.
You're the bull holding china in your grasp. You're china holding the bull. Yes, neither one breaks, neither one dies. OLE! BRAVO!
How precious a gift, that the meek shall humble the warrior, and the warrior shall give strength to the meek, and the meek feel protected.
The blind can see not with their eyes. The deaf can hear not with their ears. The pained can feel not only with their bodies, but all can feel with their hearts.
One gets used to the pain; at times you get numb and feel less pain. Then one day a touch aids you and you suddenly realize... Wait! My pain is gone. Where did it go? The so familiar pain, the one we carry, be it physical, emotional, or spiritual, has left. Then we let our reality flood back in, and the pain comes back. The trigger that brings it back has been pulled and OW!! It's there again. Yes, that's right, that's me. I don't know who that painless person was. That's too nice. I don't belong there. I'll take my pain back. That's familiar... But, you know... It was nice to be without pain, even if only for a minute, and hour, a weekend.
Wait! Don't I deserve to be pain free? Don't I deserve to be happy? Don't I deserve to play? As a child? As an adult? Don't adults play? Jump from a plane? Drive their four -wheeled motorcycle (convertible). Tell the world your thoughts by letting them read the ass of your car. Jump on a trampoline. Have your eyelids fixed, so you can see the world for all the glorious years to come. Let your kids out and test the world. You can't save them from themselves if you can't save yourself.
We make mistakes. Get up! Brush off your knees! You might wear the grains of sand for years to come, but the lesson was learned. You can ride a bike and you never forget it. You can ride your life and never forget it, but you sure as hell better learn from your mistakes.
What can we do with all those mistakes? FORGIVE! Forgive yourself. Forgive your mother, father, sister, brother, teachers, doctors. Lawyers, babysitter, neighbor, step-parent, husband, wife, ex., whomever. Forgive that person who hurt you. Who made you feel the way you do. Forgive them. Why? For They Know Not What They Do!
They are unconscious of their impact on you. Right now, it's not about them. It's about you. It's all about you. It's about forgiving them. Freeing their soul of the burden of their ignorance.
You deserve happiness. You deserve love. You deserve peace, hope, dreams, and prosperity.
Earth is our school. We choose to come to this school to learn our lessons. Earth is the toughest school in any realm. So congratulate yourself for being willing to take on this lesson we call Earth.
So, what are you going to do with your DASH? BORN - DIED. What's going to happen to you from the time you are born, until the moment you die?
At this moment you can change everything. You have free will. The moment of your birth and the moment of your death may have been chosen by you before life, and the circumstance of your birth and childhood may have been pre-chosen, but with your conscious mind, you can change your pain. With an unconscious mind you will not. But, you have been awakened by your Earth Angels. Basically, kicked in the butt to wake up and see yourself. How scary is that?? Admit it, nobody wants to look at their warts, but as deep as they are, they can be gotten rid of. The scars might remain, but the pain is gone, and the healing begins. In time the scars fade, and are forgotten. Sometimes you look at the scars and are reminded, but the warts are gone now, so it is painless.
Let's get painless.
We are loved. You are loved. The divine energy and love of the universe is yours to have. Though you want to be true to your word and keep your promises, sometimes when others break their promises, it changes your chances of keeping yours.
Don't blame them or yourself. Though pain can come, there is a divine intervention for everything.
There is nothing more joyous than taking charge of you.
Have fun doing it and Live, Love, Laugh, every day to the fullest.
3/23/2006 Mother SpiritA couple of weeks ago, I went for an energy healing but with other one of my teachers. I usually go to M but A’s power is different and I wanted to see what it would be like. She is more straightforward and pushes more. Since I’ve been “growing” by leaps and bounds lately, I want to be pushed a little.
First we talked about some insights that I’ve had about our class. One interesting thing I’ve learned lately is that when someone says or does things that “push my buttons” it’s because someone else wounded us in the same way when we were children. I find this a valuable, insightful piece of information. The past few days, I’ve been internally examining times I have felt hurt or wounded in some way by something someone said or did. Even times when I’ve become irate when it wasn’t even aimed at me. It all makes a lot of sense.
A and I continued talking. She knows that I had “issues” with my mother. I felt unwanted, unloved, unappreciated. I don’t remember her ever saying that she loved me. And as a child, I felt as if it were my fault. I was not what she wanted me to be. I wasn’t being good enough to love. So, of course, I was constantly trying to do what she wanted, trying to win her approval and have her be proud of me. I clearly remember her saying, “I’m proud of you.” just once when I earn my master's degree in education. It took that long.
For years, I have logically understood that she raised me the best she could because she had a very bad childhood. But emotionally, I still needed to know. A. told me to ask her. “What do you mean, ask her?” I'm thinking, uh oh, here comes something that's going to be different and strange! She repeated that we could ask her.
Now, I know that A can see auras and angels but to actually talk to my mother, who has been dead for almost 20 years? Also, if you believe as I’ve finally come to believe, that our spirits reincarnate, then if my mother is someone else now, how can I ever reach her spirit? A explained that our spirits can be and go anywhere. She asked my mother’s name and remarked that my mother will look different. I leaned back in my chair, relaxed, grounded myself and we called to her.
A told me to ask her to touch me somewhere so that I knew she was there. I felt a touch on my cheek, as if someone took the back of their hand and ran it across my cheek. In my mind’s eye, I could “see” a beautiful woman with long, wavy dark hair, in a floral shirtwaist dress. A told me to ask her if she loved me. When I (in my mind) asked her “Did you love me at all?”, I could feel her heart breaking as if she were inwardly sobbing. She replied, “Oh, I loved you so much… I didn’t know how to show it, I was never taught... I'm so sorry.” She had never been shown how to love. I could feel her sorrow for both of us. A then told me to ask her what was the gift. I sat quietly and asked my mother the question. The answer came to me differently so it felt more like I was thinking it rather than it was my mother talking. The answer I came up with was that she had given me life. A said she was fading and we had to let her go.
We talked about what I “felt, saw and heard”. When I told her about the touch on the cheek A immediately said that’s the sign for mother. (In sign language.) I told her that I felt the last answer didn’t come from my mother, that it was my own thought. A said that the gift was that because of my mother being the wrong example of how a mother should act, I became a very good, loving, nurturing mother.
I know this may sound very crazy to everyone, believe me, it sounds crazy to me also. But I would swear in court on a bible that I felt her touch and "heard" her speak. Hearing her in my mind was not the same feeling as having a conscious thought. It was very different, as if it were telepathy or something. It’s very hard to describe.
Deep down, I knew she must have loved me because she would cook and sew clothing for me and there were times she’d go out of her way for me. But, there was no affection or loving words. Whether you believe this really happened to me or was “just in my mind”, I can’t tell you how much comfort this has given me. So, I’m going to just take it on faith.
Love, Light and Laughter,
2/22/2006 Lessons From The GeeseWell, I lived through another weekend of my Energy Healing class. Sometimes, such as with what I described in Anger and Angels, I feel like I’m going to die, but of course I don’t and neither do the others.
I have to say that this is the first weekend of classes that I haven’t cried through at least part of it. It’s not that the lessons didn’t resonate with me. It was more that I’ve learned and moved far enough forward that I can deal with it a bit more, protect myself and learn from the lessons they are presenting without falling apart. Also, I think it’s because of the last weekend of classes, when I learned and now truly believe that I’m not alone, that I have angels and/or spirit guides by my side at all times, that I’m not as fearful. (Now watch, next class I’ll be a mess again. Lol)
One of the third year students led a couple of exercises with us to demonstrate some lessons. In the first, she was telling us about geese and how they fly in a V formation and honk as they fly. She had us stand in the V shape to emulate the geese. The one in the lead take the full brunt of the air stream, whereas the rest fly more easily in the slipstream of those in front. The whole flock will honk to encourage the leader for as long as s/he can hold the position. When the lead goose tires, they fall back to a position at the end of the V and the next in line takes up the lead. (We acted this out to demonstrate.)
If a goose becomes ill or wounded, two more geese will stay behind with him/her. They will stay there until that goose either dies or gets better, then they will continue on their way. No one goose is ever alone. They are not allowed to stay behind or die alone. And, neither are we.
We always have support to rely on. Even if we live alone, with family far away (like me), we are never alone. Our angels and spirit guides are always beside or behind us to give us support and to back us up. Most people do not realize that, but whether you believe or not, they are there. Becoming aware of them and asking for help are some of the lessons I’m learning.
Have you ever heard that story of a man on top of his house during a horrible flood? He was in danger of drowning because the water was getting higher and higher. He prayed to God to please come and save him. Soon, a helicopter came by and dropped a rope ladder down to him. He said, “No thanks, I’ve prayed to God. He will help me.” He could not be persuaded. The water rose higher and higher. He continued to pray. The water kept rising until the man no longer had a roof to cling to and he began to swim and tread water all the while praying to God to save him. A little while later, someone in a row boat came by and told him to get into the boat. The man again said, “No, thank you. God will save me.” Eventually, he became exhausted and knew that he was drowning. He shouted out, “God! I prayed and prayed. Why didn’t you save me?” God replied, “I sent you a helicopter and row boat!”
We not only have to be aware that help is out there, we have to be willing to ask for and take that help.
For the second activity, the teacher had all the students stand on a large gym mat while she told us the following story about barnyard geese.
A Modern Parable* of Kierkegaard’s…
A certain flock of geese lived together in a barnyard with high walls around it. Because the corn was good and the barnyard was secure, these geese would never take a risk. One day a philosopher goose came among them. He was a very good philosopher and every week they listened quietly and attentively to his learned discourses. 'My fellow travelers on the way of life,' he would say, 'can you seriously imagine that this barnyard, with great high walls around it, is all there is to existence?
'I tell you, there is another and a greater world outside, a world of which we are only dimly aware. Our forefathers knew of this outside world. For did they not stretch their wings and fly across the trackless wastes of desert and ocean, of green valley and wooded hill? But alas, here we remain in this barnyard, our wings folded and tucked into our sides, as we are content to puddle in the mud, never lifting our eyes to the heavens which should be our home. The geese thought this was very fine lecturing. 'How poetic,' they thought. 'How profoundly existential. What a flawless summary of the mystery of existence.' Often the philosopher spoke of the advantages of flight, calling on the geese to be what they were. After all, they had wings, he pointed out. What were wings for, but to fly with? Often he reflected on the beauty and the wonder of life outside the barnyard, and the freedom of the skies. And every week the geese were uplifted, inspired, moved by the philosopher's message. They hung on his every word. They devoted hours, weeks, months to a thoroughgoing analysis and critical evaluation of his doctrines. They produced learned treatises on the ethical and spiritual implications of flight. All this they did. But one thing they never did. They did not fly! For the corn was good, and the barnyard was secure!
When the teacher finished the story, she said to stay where we were and she turned around to start some music. While her back was turned I took a step off the mat. I was NOT going to stay in the barnyard any longer. I have been in my barnyard for far too long! When she turned back, she was surprised but then laughed, shrugged her shoulders and said, “That’s fine.” The music had a catchy beat to it, so I started swaying and dancing in place. The rest of the class stayed on the mats another minute or so. One, then another, jumped off the mat to the middle of the gym and started dancing. Finally everyone was off the mat and all but one were dancing. I no longer was dancing in place. I was dancing around everyone, doing some dosie-does with some and dancing a circle around others. People were dancing in different ways, some more free-form then others. Everyone flew free in their own way which was wondeful.
I want to fly but I feel that I am not completely ready yet. I’m getting there but I have more lessons to learn before I make the “big” flight to freedom. I WILL be making shorter flights until that time.
Honk, honk! 2/3/2006 Anger and AngelsOn the Sunday of the set classes in January, we had a guest teacher join us. He is a healer and he’s gone to school to become an (official) Marriage and Family counselor. He also works in what some people call anger management.
For many, anger management is learning ways to stuff the anger, which ends up negating our feelings. “No, you shouldn’t feel angry, maybe the other person was just having a bad day.” Well, forget that! We all have anger, we are human! What is important is learning how to vent that anger in a way that does not hurt ourselves or anyone else.
That day, the teacher first had us sit relaxed and slowly led us through a meditation. Basically, it went like this:
Imagine that your parents are standing in front of you.
Think about where they are standing and how you feel about that.
Next, place any siblings you have on either side of you.
How are they placed and how does it make you feel?
Then, place your siblings in front of you, between yourself and your parents. Again, think of where each is standing and how that makes you feel.
Now, your siblings are still on either side of you and place your parents behind you. Think and feel.
Behind your parents are their parents… then their parents…. And their parents… on and on.
In front of you are your children… then their children… and their children… for seven generations.
Tune into your feelings at each step.
At the end, the teacher told us to ground ourselves, and be fully back in the room. He then asked each of us what we experienced.
When it was my turn, I said that when my parents were in front of me, I was surprised to see them standing next to each other. I had expected one to be far on the left and the other far to the right. When my siblings were beside me, (I have 4 brothers and one sister, all older.) The were lined up chronologically but with me in the middle. But when I placed them between me and our parents, one particular brother was directly in front of me, between me and them, as if he were protecting me. (An ah-ha!) Then two brothers to the right and my oldest siblings to the left of him but they were spread further out. Let’s see if I can illustrate it. M= mother, D=dad, B=brother, S=sister, ss=Starstuff
MD B S B B B ss
It’s interesting to me that when I was typing those letters it was natural for me to put everyone as capital letters and me as small ones. Hmmm.
(I do want to clarify, that I have NEVER been physically abused in ANY way. There were other issues going on verbally and emotionally. )
When I was asked to put my sibs beside me again and my parents behind me, I became very uneasy. I kept wanting to turn around and look at them. I felt as if I was going to get blind-sided. I wanted to see what was coming so I could run or protect myself in someway. As I was imagining grandparents and greats behind them and behind them, etc. I kept feeling more and more anger building up behind me. As if they were mad at life and what had happened to them.
But, when I looked in front of me to my sons and their children and their children, on and on, I felt a lightness, sunshine, happiness, purpose, life. It was such a loving and calm feeling.
After I shared my experience, the teacher responded that I was the filter, the one that will alter and convert all that anger from all those people from the past. And that I needed to learn to get rid of the anger stuffed inside of me. (Hmm, could that be another reason why I’m overweight? Not only am I protecting my core, but I’m holding in all that anger?) The teacher also told me that if he and I work together later in the day to remind him to have me bow to my parents. I looked at him like he had three heads but I said okay.
Everyone in the class had different “visions” and experiences during the meditation. It was interesting because in listening to their stories, I could begin to see what some of the family dynamics were in each of our childhoods.
After a break, we were asked to form a circle of chairs at the other end of the room. There were about 20 people in the class which take place in a small gymnasium of the local community college, so there’s plenty of room. After the circle was in place, the teacher brought out a huge netted bag with plastic baseball bats, towels, and over-large boxing mitts, the huge, soft ones that don’t really hurt if you get hit. There were also old couch cushions. He put four chairs in the middle of the circle, sat down and waited.
My healer had been trying to get me to expel the hidden, inner anger that she has sensed in me for quite awhile. Knowing this, and feeling that it was an opportune time, I raised my hand and volunteered to be first. I also was afraid that if I didn’t go first, I would chicken out after I saw someone else go through this work.
I sat in a chair about 4 feet away and directly across from the teacher. It was very difficult to meet his eyes, even though he was a very good looking man. :-) He asked me how I felt sitting in the middle of the circle with everyone watching. It was uncomfortable, but I knew I had to do it for my own personal growth and that at least it’s a safe place and we were all in this together.
He told me to look into his eyes and describe what I see. I replied that I see a man who is nice looking, who is smart, a healer and is here to help me. He told me to keep looking. I found it very hard to do that, I wanted to look away. It’s difficult to really be “seen” like that. I jokingly asked if I could change my mind and go back to my seat, but of course I knew I didn’t really want to. Still, he kept looking at me, not speaking. His facial expression did not change but my perception changed. I felt like he was judging me and when I mentioned that and said, “You’re not judging me are you?” He replied, “Yes, of course I am.” I felt shocked and hurt. I could not believe he had said that.
We kept looking each other in the eyes and he asked, “Who else has judged you?” I thought about some people from my past. He then asked if I would like a bat or the boxing gloves. I knew what was coming and chose the bat. He held the cushions on a chair and told me to imagine that the cushions were those people. He instructed me to hold the bat over my head with both arms, to bend back as far as I could, bend my knees just a bit, come straight down with the bat as hard as I could and hit the cushion. I hit it a couple of times. Then he said something like, “What? Is that the best you can do? You never could do anything right….” goading me on. I started hitting the cushion harder and harder and harder. I felt that I physically could not hit it fast or hard enough. He kept repeating the typical things people unthinkingly say to others when they are angry. “What’s wrong with you? You can never do things right. Be quiet. Go leave me alone.” I finally had to stop because I was exhausted and out of breath. He asked me why I stopped. Did I stop because I was tired or because I was done? He then asked if they were dead. I said "No, but they are a bloody mess." He told me to finish them off. When I was hesitant, he goaded me again saying that I was no good. He also told me to holler at them while I was hitting them. I went at it again, saying to them that why couldn’t they have seen that I’m good at what I do, I do good things, I'm a good person, over and over. I finally got to the point that I could no longer lift my arms and I had blisters on my hands.
I stood there panting and crying. The teacher came over to me, had me sit, bend my head down and take deep breaths to calm myself. During this whole time, I had forgotten that anyone else was there. It was just me and them, the people that had hurt me and made me feel bad about myself.
In rereading this, I realize I haven’t come even close to describing the intensity of what I had been feeling. The buried rage had taken over and I was completely unaware of anyone or anything else. It was purely animalistic. In thinking back, it’s a bit frightening to know that I'm capable of so much rage. The only thing I can compare it to is a mother physically fighting for the safety of her child. Which was basically what I was doing. I was defending the child that I had been, that had been hurt so badly. (Another ah-ha!)
Once I was back to myself and calm, the teacher asked me to look into his eyes again and what did I see. I saw him as he was, with no judgment. He told me to look at each person around the circle. I did so and told him that with some of the people, I saw understanding and lack of judgment. I also saw some that looked worried and fearful. Some wore “masks” when they smiled at me, as if they were hiding that fear and were scared they might be asked to do what I did.
My healer and I reminded the teacher about bowing to my parents. He put two chairs together and said my father was in one and my mother in the other and asked me to stand in front of them. He asked me to bow to them one at a time. He demonstrated the Asian type of bow, with two hands together in front and bowing at the waist. He said to bow as deeply as I felt I could. I hesitantly bowed to each of them bending forward just a bit. He asked me what I was thinking when I did that. I told him that I knew my parents did the best they could to raise me because they had each had a tough life growing up. He said “Okay, now I want you to do it again. But while you bow I want you to say, out loud, “You are the big ones, and I’m the little one. Thank you for giving me life.”
I hesitated a moment thinking about having to say that. Why did that feel so difficult to do? It was true. If it weren’t for them I would not be here. I would not be the person I am today. I would not have my wonderful sons. I would not be on this path of learning and spirituality. Everything happens for a reason.
I walked up to my “parents”, stood in front of them, said, “You are the big ones, and I’m the little one. Thank you for giving me life.”, crying the whole time and slowly bowing. I hadn’t intended to bow very low but each time I moved a little further down, it didn’t seem enough, so I slowly, hesitantly, kept bending lower at the hips until my back was parallel to the floor.
It was interesting for me to realize that when I did that, I heard a couple of my classmates do an intake of breath as if they were shocked, or realized how difficult it must have been or possibly that they would not be able to do that. But, I also noticed an easing in my mind and heart.
The teacher apologized and noted that he had kept asking me to do more and more and he promised that there was only one last thing he wanted me to do. He said that my parents were still in the chairs and he turned me around so they were behind me and asked how that felt. It felt just fine. I no longer felt like I was going to get blind-sided and have to protect myself in someway.
The teacher then gave me the most caring, nurturing hug that I ever remember receiving. He had his arms around me and cradled the back of my head with his hand. It was the most fatherly/motherly hug I had ever gotten. That will stay for me a long time.
When he let me go, he told me to go drink some water and rest. Needless to say, I was exhausted, and downed a liter of water, like that! I came back and joined the circle while two other women had their turns working with him. Each of them had different issues and different experiences working with him. I will not go into their work because that is for them to share. Unfortunately, there wasn’t time for everyone to have a turn but we were told he will be back during our last weekend. Plus he will take people for private appointments.
After the sessions were over, one of the third year students who was visiting our class, came over to me and the only male student in the class. Apparently, while I was working with the teacher the male student felt a very large, cold draft for a couple of moments and was trying to figure out where it had come from. The third year student told us she saw that it was two very large angels that came into the room and stood right behind me, protecting me, while I was working with the teacher. The male student had felt the cold breeze as they walked past him. (Apparently, angel spirits feel cold and spirit guides feel warm. Spirit guides can be people from our past, animals, grandmother, etc.)
Now, I don’t know how anyone else feels about angels. In the past, I wasn’t real sure. They were figures talked about in the bible and church and artists would paint them but I hadn’t really had any connection or experience with them. There have been some times I would feel I had a guardian angel when I drove because I’ve had some close calls and I am very sure my guardian angel had warned me in time. But that was it. I’ve never seen them and I never knew anyone before that could see them. But some of the healers I’ve met recently say they can see auras, some can see angels, and so on.
The next week after the class, I emailed that third year student to ask her to describe the angels, what exactly did they look like? Here is her reply:
---Although I can see the angels clearly, sometimes they're difficult to describe. The two that I saw as you were beginning to work with (the teacher) were huge - very tall, near to seven feet I would estimate and broad of shoulder. The kind of warrior you would absolutely want at your back if you needed protection, support, etc.
They both appeared to be male and somehow I 'knew' that they were archangels. What I could see that day was like an outline - clearly defined but not solid form. They were very bright and glowing but I couldn't identify a color - it was like all colors and none at the same time. They both carried swords. One carried a torch (this one could have been Archangel Uriel as he is the bringer of Light). The other had his hand outstretched and carried something that I can only describe as looking like Love.
Love, Light and Laughter!
1/23/2006 Energy Healing ClassThe third of the five weekends of classes for Transformational Energy Healing was about a week ago. That Friday evening was mostly everyone asking any questions we had about our homework or issues that we wanted to talk about. Also, the topics of the weekend were introduced: The Martyr Mask and dealing with anger.
Women tend to wear the martyr mask more than men. We do so much for everyone else to the exclusion of looking after our own needs.
One of the teachers, in order to illustrate what we, as martyrs need to do and learn, chose me to help her. She had me stand and put my arms out in front of me. She filled up my arms with coats, totebags, books, etc. saying that they represented all the chores, work, expectations of others, other people's needs and burdens. She filled my arms up to my eyeballs.
Then she held up a piece of jewelry to represent my wants and needs. I managed to take it and put it on my finger but with difficulty because of my full arms. And even then I had trouble seeing it and enjoying it because of all the burdens I was carrying. She tried to hand me more of my "wishes" but I couldn't take them. She aske me what I could do about that. I took a moment to think, then I took an item off the pile in my arms so I could take my wish. Again, she asked how could I get rid of my burdens. I handed them to another student, who readily took them! She took on my burdens, we are all such martyrs! But I was told that I couldn't give them away so I took them back.
Teacher asked me again what I could do with my burdens. My mind was blank. Finally, she said I had to stand there until I figured it out. Well.... I was NOT going to stand there! I wanted to sit. I immediately put those burdens down. Duh!!! That's all it took! Put them down!
Granted there ARE things that people must get done from day to day, but we martyrs tend to put more pressure on ourselves than we have to and we don't ask for help. We make it difficult for ourselves and sometimes even make ourselves sick from all the self-imposed burdens.
Over the years, I have learned to set at least a few burdens down but I have a ways to go. One "burden" I've learned to lighten is getting ready for Christmas. I, as many women do, would drive myself crazy trying to do everything; shopping , cooking, decorating, baking, cards, wrapping, etc. etc. etc. But a few years ago, I finally thought about what would really be the necessities for a good Christmas. I decided that all that was needed was for my sons to be home, the tree is up and decorated and the gifts bought and wrapped (most of them bought from the internet-another time saver), then Christmas can happen. The rest of the stuff is not that necessary. I had decided that the holiday was for me also and I should be working my way through it. Since I made that decision, I still do more than the minimum but only because I want to and enjoy doing it, not because I feel obligated to do it.
When I've shared that decision with other women, they look at me as if I have three heads! But, I just sit back and watch them get all stressed out over the holidays.
Now, if I can just get myself to do the same thing with other "burdens" that I self impose AND not feel guilty about taking care of myself and my needs, then I'll be doin' good. It's the guilt that does me in.
More about the rest of the weekend at a later time. There's much more to tell.
Love, Light and Laughter,
 stuff11/23/2005 Words of AffirmationThe last time I went to my teacher/healer, we talked a long time about my inner child. Yes, we all have one, even if you don't admit it. We talked about some things that happened while I was young. Then she did an inner child healing. She has never spoken during a healing. When she was nearly done, she had her hands on my heart and abdomen (where some chakras are located) and was directing the energy. She all of a sudden spoke the following:
Star Bright
Child of Light
Woman of Power
Tinkling Chimes
Scent of Pine
Breath of Life
After she was finished, I asked if that was part of the healing. She said no, that those words came to her during the healing. She is amazingly intuitive. We wrote them down before they were forgotten. I felt so amazed by the words and what some of them mean for me. I am still working out what some of the other phrases will mean. I'm going to eventually add some graphics and hang it where I can read them each day. It will be my daily affirmation.
Light, Love, and Laughter,
stuff11/19/2005 An Epiphany!The past couple of weeks I've had a couple of breakthroughs with my class and with my own spirit. During class two weekends ago, the teachers were illustrating to us how we bury our core/spirit/emotions, our selves.
For homework, they had us each bring something that represents our core, our center. Many of us didn't really understand the assignment and we brought things that representing things that were "outside" of ourselves. Such as photos of our children. The teachers had to explain that yes, our children are very important and we hold them deeply in our hearts but they do NOT represent our own "self". So, many of us had to come up with something else, quickly.
I had worn a pair of my favorite earrings. Each earring is a stylized person hanging by both hands from a star. The person (could be a him or her) is jumping for joy, reaching for her dreams, swinging on a star with a spiral on her belly. The spiral symbol has always had "power" for me. First, it's a pleasing shape, it also represents, the circles of life, the planets, the universe spinning. You will see the spiral represented in petroglyphs, etc. of most native cultures around the world.
Anyway, I ended up taking one of my earrings to represent my inner spirit. So, each person had what represents their core. There were all kinds of things, figurines, a dog's tooth, leaves, other types of jewelry and so on. We had also been instructed to bring in some old newspapers.
The teachers told us that each time they speak what is a truth for us, to wrap our core in a piece of newspaper. One of the teachers started talking and having us imagine ourselves as very young, even as young as in the womb. Were we as a baby, looked forward to?, wanted?, or viewed as a burden, etc. I knew that my mother never told anyone she was pregnant with me. (I was the last of six and apparently, no one ever knew when she was pregnant. She was a VERY heavy woman and people would just think she was getting fatter.) So, I wrapped a newspaper around my earring. Many others wrapped theirs also. The teacher went on, did you feel wanted, cared for, or were you left to cry, ignored? When you were a toddler do you remember being held, wanted, nurtured? When you were sent off to school did you feel abandoned by your mother? Were you told you weren't good enough, that you needed to get better grades even if you were working as hard as you good. Were you not trusted? Were you not listened to? They led up through many years and feelings. The students would wrap their core with newspaper each time the teacher said something that felt truthful to us.
By the time the teacher was finished, many of us were in tears. My small earring had grown to larger than a football, under many layers of newspaper. It was scary to all of us, how deep we each had buried our spirits, literally and figuratively. At the end of the exercise the teachers told us to leave them wrapped and everytime we have an ah-ha moment, we could take a layer of newspaper off.
At the end of the weekend, I took my "football" home. I'd look at it once in a while and hold it and I kept thinking about what it represented. I have been overweight on and off throughout my life and I am overweight now. As I held my wrapped up spirit, I realized that it was about the same size as my tummy.
I had been told many times that my weight was a way of protecting myself. I had never understood that. Protecting myself for what? from what? I would rather be thin. I KNOW I am not a fat person, I am not SUPPOSED to be fat! It dawned on me that I have been protecting my spirit from being hurt any more, just as my earring was protected in the layers of newspaper. I unwrapped one layer.
I am now hoping that through this class, I will be able to completely unwrap my spirit! 11/13/2005 My Spirituality - Q & AI haven't blogged lately. I got distracted (and a bit obsessed, just as I got obsessed with reading bloggers when I first discovered them) by a messge board on Craig's List called Boomer. It's a nice site, people are mostly polite to each other and most everyone seems intelligent and witty. One of the people on the site asked me a bunch of questions and I spent quite awhile answering him. I've decided to put some of my answers on here. It will reflect much of what I'm learning in my energy healing class. Here goes:
Hi, Here’s to answer your questions: First I want to say that I am not religious. I do not like organized religion. I was brought up as a Baptist, a northern Baptist not the southern non-dancing ones. I still enjoy some of the rituals of church, especially at Christmas time and I still feel good about being baptized as Jesus was, with full immersion. But I found so much hypocrisy and wrong thinking in religion that it just didn’t make sense to me. And as has been said many times, most wars have been over religious beliefs.
>You said, “We are all a part of each other”. I sometimes call it The Oneness. Do you call it >a Universal Consciousness?
As the years went by I became more and more spiritual, I still believe in god but prefer to call it/him/her “Spirit” or “Universal Power”. I believe that Jesus was god’s son, the same as Buddha, Mohammed, etc.
>Maybe the terms are too New Age-y? >Where did you come up with your handle? (Starstuff)
What people call New Age-y is really based on ancient beliefs and practices. Astrology, holistic healing using roots and herbs, chakra balancing, acupuncture, and so on. Modern medicine is arrogant in thinking that other healing techniques are useless. That’s not to say that I don’t utilize modern medicine. I’d rather take an Advil than drink willow root tea. But I am currently taking a class called Transformational Energy Healing which works with the chakras in the body, which I like to call energy centers. I feel that people should use ALL healing techniques available. The body is connected to the brain. The body reflects what is going on in the emotions/mind/psychy.
We are all a part of each other. It is something Indians believe, that everything is alive and that everything and everyone is connected. Since I was young, I have been interested in Indian culture and spirituality and have always been impressed with their respect for nature and animals. They (I'm being very general here. Not all nations/tribes believed in the same thing.) seem to believe that everything is alive and that everything and everyone is connected. Like the Butterfly Effect. A butterfly flaps its wings in Ecuador. Six months later a hurricane rages in the Atlantic. The delicate flutter sets in motion a chain of events of enormous magnitude, altering life’s course, dramatically and irrevocably. Of course that was supposed to explain the chaos theory but to me it illustrates the interconnectedness of all of us and that each one of us can have great impact on the world even when we don’t know it
I also remember hearing on Nova or some other science show that the whole universe is made up of the same components, chemicals, atoms. I found that fascinating! On Star Trek The Next Generation there was an episode where they find that all the humanoid species were made of the same basic DNA. I do know that Star Trek is not real :-D but I thought that was also fascinating. And another sci-fi show led me to my handle. It was on Babylon 5. Two "people" were talking and one was explaining that everyone is connected and made from the same elements, that “We are all starstuff.” I LOVED that idea. It made me really feel a part of something larger than myself. That the stars are a part of me and I'm part of the stars! How wonderful! Thus my handle was born. Turns out that Carl Sagan coined the word. My friend asked about the Dalai Lama and my views on life after death and reincarnation, my answer: I have not read any of the Dalai Lama’s writings except for a quote here and there. I do eventually want to learn more about him.
As far as life after death and reincarnation. The heaven I used to believe in was where I imagined my father was. He passed when he was 60 and I was 14. I believed that his heaven included a small lake where he could fish to his heart’s content and that he was truly happy. When my mother died, I believed that she was in heaven and was finally happy and at peace.
But as I have delved into spirituality, I have learned from others that we are all here for a reason. We all have lessons to learn during our lifetimes. Our spirit chooses what lessons it needs to learn. We choose our parents, family, country, etc. (When I learned that, I remarked "Boy, talk about getting in the wrong line!" lol) If we don’t learn the lessons we are meant to, we will have to do it again in a different way with different parents and life experiences. The part I’m not clear about yet is what happens if my spirit learns all the lessons. Do I become an angel or spirit guide? I’ll have to find out.
I have always had a lot of trouble believing in that God would let children suffer and die of neglect or terrible illnesses. And I refused to believe that children would not go to heaven if they didn’t believe in Jesus or the “right” God. How stupid is that? So I asked my healer/teacher about the suffering of children and what she said just seemed really right and true. Those children CHOSE that path to help other’s spirits learn their lessons. That their parents had lessons to learn. That is the only reason that made any sense to me.
I've recently read a book called "Everything Happens For A Reason". Take a look, it's pretty intesting and made a lot of sense to me.
I feel there is evidence of life after death. There have been too many incidences where people have died, have seen themselves in the hospital and have been brought back to life. There have also been people who have heard their loved ones after they have died. I believe that some spirits do get stuck/lost here. That for some reason they can’t pass over and get back to “heaven”. Hmm, I’ll have to ask my teacher about that one too.
And yes, any belief does take a leap of faith.
My friend also asked me about my purpose in life. I had mentioned that I knew my purpose in life was to raise two intelligent, funny, loving, responsible sons. And I did do that, but now what am I going to do? I was searching. So, he asked me if I had found my purpose, if so, how, where to look? My answer:
I do think that my purpose in life was to raise my sons, they are going to make their mark on the world. It’s been very difficult the past few years feeling that my purpose was done and NOW what the hell do I do? I have been very unhappy about it and have been searching. I think I have found a purpose, it may not be the only purpose I find but I feel it’s significant.
I used to be a teacher but got out of that because it got to be too much about paperwork/data/test scores/ and dealing with parents that do not make their children responsible for their actions nor give them consequences for bad behavior. I am now earning a living as a secretary in an elementary school. I still have contact with the kids but I can come home and have my evenings and weekends free instead of correcting papers, gathering data, doing lesson plans, etc.
Anyway, the past few years I’ve had quite a few people say I should become a counselor but I just didn’t see me going back to school and taking psych courses. It finally dawned on me that I could become an holistic counselor/healer (like my teacher), thus taking the course I mentioned earlier. Actually, it didn’t dawn on me, my teacher has been trying to get me to take the class for a couple years now. It did dawn on me that it was the right time to do it. Turns out that I have a knack for it and have become convinced that I could really help other people with this. I have already helped one of the other students have a breakthrough on an issue from the past. What a good feeling knowing I’ve helped someone in that way.
I’m sorry, I don’t know the answer to how or where to look for a purpose. We each have our own lessons to learn and path to follow. I have slowly been led to this down through the years. “When the student is ready the teacher will appear.” Because of my interest in Indian spirituality, I had always hoped and wanted an Indian teacher/guide but one has not appeared. I now have this. I guess it’s just a matter of searching and doing what feels right. You are already a very conscious person (which is the first big step), you are searching and it feels like you are headed in a direction that will lead you to your answers. >I have read some where that everyone has their own purpose. (I think there are some people who >have no purpose or at least have not found it and even they believe there is no purpose!) Anyway, >I think, in general, there is no right or wrong answer to this question -- it's subjective. We all have a purpose, we chose it before we were born. The problem is that we don't/can't remember why we chose what we did. That is part of the lesson. It could be that they chose to be a bad guy of some kind so to help other spirits learn what they needed to learn. He went on to ask other questions not relevant to my beliefs so I won't get into those. I'm not saying that I know it all, I don't, that's why Im taking the class. I didn't really believe that the class was my purpose. I wanted to take it to become emotionally and physically more healthy. But after two weekends and the books we read for class has made me see that this is how I need to go right now. Hope I haven't bored or freaked anyone out! LOL And if you have different beliefs or views, that is okay too. We all have our path we need to follow and whatever works for people to become better, kinder humans, then it's all good! Love, Light and Laugher!
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